The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
