how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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