Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
