You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
