i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
