fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
