It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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