I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
