All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
