There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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