My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
