My nipple is on Facebook.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
