Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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