I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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