I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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