We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
