so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
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You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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