Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
