Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
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I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
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I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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