Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
