Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
