Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
