my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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