How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
