Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
