It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
