just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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