He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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