I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She even gives head with a lisp.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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