Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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