thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
