Non-Jews are for practice
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
