I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Found your dick twin last night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
