I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
