How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
