If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
