i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
