remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful