highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
