I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
