My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
