looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
