Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
