Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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