Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
