Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
