This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
