She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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