Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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