sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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