i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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