I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
