she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
