I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
