I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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