Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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