did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
