I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Enjoy the penises
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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