Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
