Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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