But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
